the fall season.

i'm cumming all over my pants. en octubre, voy a estar un 'harlequin.' yo.

the re-ingratiation of self into the familiar academic rhythm

i feel good about this semester. i am not feeling that same oppressive weight on my heads and shoulders that i always do when i neglect reading about nursing bedside skills in order to read books about sexuality (though now my leisurely interest has now turned to linguistics and instinctual human communication networks.) i am craving hallucinogenic nights where i have my regular sightings of webs and systems and i feel fear and have meaningful conversations with inanimate objects. this should be in my near-future.

they're telling me that our numbers are falling. that they have been falling since seattle. there have been hopes that st. paul 2008 would be akin to seattle. fear and dehumanization are their real tools and it is working a little bit on me but i can't say i feel hopeless. i just know that i want to keep fighting.

and as i do this, i will continue perusing for ridiculous looking shoes to adorn my feet and ruffles on coats in preparation for the biting cold that will greet me in a month or two.

resocialization of self away from the computer screen.

broken laptop// smashed software and now all i have is a blue screen that talks to me about memory dumps and i just wonder about my photographs. trying to occupy my mind with things that do not have phallases and live six hours away and don't call me. things like public health and mothers having babies and the neuroimaging of human aesthetics and that freshmen year paper i scrambily wrote about the biological basis of human emotion - this was conducted back when i believed in the false gender dichotomy and wanted to validate my rollercoaster emotions by attributing it to something as elitist as 'science.' kompakt record label and my sick love for micro-house and wondering if i flowered a decade or so too late. it's hard for me to believe that one could not crave intimacy the way i do and it's equally as difficult for me to accept this because all i care about are my relationships with people, substances, my body, communities.